


TNFI Alternate Chapter 26: The Boy Who Enjoyed Pudding Very Much

by Mx_Maneater, private_eyes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Puns, Comedy, Draco Malfoy is Clueless About Muggle Things, Food Sex, M/M, My boyfriend wrote a parody of my fanfic, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Pudding, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:01:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22588300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mx_Maneater/pseuds/Mx_Maneater, https://archiveofourown.org/users/private_eyes/pseuds/private_eyes
Summary: While impatiently waiting for Chapter 26 ofThe New Flight Instructor, my boyfriend turns to me and makes irksome suggestions about how I should describe Draco's dong."He's definitely uncircumcised," he says.I sigh deeply, wondering how many times we will have to have this conversation.  "In your imagination, he can be whatever you want, but I'm still not writing that sentence in my story.""Why not?  Just write it!"I pinch the bridge of my nose between my fingers."Here, how about this?  You write your own chapter 26 while you're waiting and fill it with all your lurid fantasies.  Then, we'll compare."**NOTE** Hello and welcome: this is that cursed chapter!  Therefore, I DID NOT WRITE THIS--my boyfriend did!  However, he was not on AO3 at time of posting, so he has now been added on this fic as a "co-creator."Wishing you all a Happy Valentine's Day, and here's to undying devotion in relationships yada yada (and how couples that write smut together, stay together.) :)
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 25
Kudos: 34





	TNFI Alternate Chapter 26: The Boy Who Enjoyed Pudding Very Much

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The New Flight Instructor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20419643) by [Mx_Maneater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mx_Maneater/pseuds/Mx_Maneater). 



> t/w: terrible, awful food sex; oral sex; anal sex; a butchering of British-English and my whole original story
> 
> Enjoy!

Draco reclined reading a potion recipe book on creating different flavored lubes while Harry scribbled down his illegible lesson plans, close-fisting a crayon. Harry looked up for a moment from his chicken scratch to ask Draco a question.  
  
“What was it that Sam said to you yesterday in class?”  
  
“Why’s it so important to you, Potter?” Draco retorted.  
  
“Well it’s not…” Harry sat up, dignified, speaking in a much more precise and calculated tone. “I mean, as a teacher, it is my right to know every interaction that occurs in my classroom. It’s necessary for the safety and wellbeing of my students.”  
  
“Oh, I’m sure that’s why you’re so worried - the wellbeing of your students and all, that’s serious business.” Draco said, feigning sarcasm.  
  
“It is serious business, and I’m a serious teacher.” Harry furrowed his brows so tightly he could roll a thin strand of pasta between them.  
  
“Oh yeah, you’re so serious, I’m sure that’s why you exclusively showed _Bob Nye: The Wizard Guy_ videos every day for your first week of classes.”  
  
Harry stood up defensively spreading his arms and making himself larger, like a bear protecting its young, although Harry is obviously more of an otter, “Shut your mouth! I was just getting the hang of things then. And for your information, it didn’t help that you were always distracting me, Pretty Balls.”  
  
Draco’s face was flushed with embarrassment, “Is that my nickname now? Pretty balls? Just because I have had a completely hairless scrotum my entire life? That’s not funny. Truthfully, I’m very sensitive about that.”  
  
“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant you have pretty balls in the way they so delicately hang beside your UNCIRCUMCISED cock,” he said apologetically. “I have no right to make fun of your testicles; at least yours are symmetrical. Mine right one hangs at least an inch below my left one. It’s really messed up. I think there’s some kind of pulley device in there, cause if I pull my left nut, the right one comes up - and vice versa!”  
  
“Harry, don’t put yourself down like that, your dick is beautiful, I love your theater sandbag balls.” He looked up at Harry with puppy dog eyes. “They genuinely are a joy to play with.”  
  
Harry blushed and looked towards the floor. “Thanks.” He sat down, his khakis visibly tighter around his hot salami.  
  
“That’s a-one a-hot salami!” Draco said mockingly in a horrible Italian accent.  
  
“What you are you doing talking about Muggle meat, Draco?”  
  
“I’ve been doing some research on Muggle customs, so I can better fit in with your friends.” Draco pulled out a thin pamphlet from between the pages of his copy of _The Flavors of Wizard Lube: Slide into Adventure_. The pamphlet read “Muggle Magazine” in massive letters on the front.  
  
Harry began to giggle, “You know that tabloid crap is written by wizards who don’t know the first two things about Muggle life?  
  
Draco turned redder than he was previously (which was more of scarlet, but now resembled a robust crimson). “I knew that. I was just checking if you did.” He tucked the pamphlet back into his book and pushed the five others he had in front of him under the couch.  
  
Harry became serious - not as in his Godfather, Sirius Black, but as in the emotion. “Look Draco, you can be honest with me. We’re in a relationship, we should be able to be straight with each other. Straight as in being honest, not as in the sexual orientation. What did Sam whisper to you in class?”  
  
“Harry, you don’t have to over-explain things. I’m not daft, you little manky prat arsehole wanker bolluck tossing git. Anyway, seeing as you’re a plonker and all, I’ll tell you right and ready, I reckon.  
  
Harry licked his lips in suspense as his mouth watered waiting for what he loved most in the world: the creamy, thicc, TRUTH.  
  
Draco yawned unfazed by Harry’s frenzied expression. “All Sam said was that we must be having lots of messy Muggle food sex, seeing as you’re half muggle and all, and then I told you he was being presumptuous, because obviously we’re not doing that.”  
  
“Man, you wizards read too much of that _Muggle Magazine_. It’s horrifically inaccurate.” Harry nervously eyed a half-eaten chocolate Snack Pack on his desk.  
  
“I know right! Barf me out!” Draco gave a proud smirk.  
  
“Draco, that’s 80s Muggle slang. No one says that anymore.”  
  
“Pssshhhhh. I know that! What fool would think Muggles talk like that! Not me, that’s for sure,” Draco tucked a torn-out page that read “Muggle slang” deeper into his pocket.  
  
Harry stared at the pudding, beginning to perspire, his body imitating the cool exterior of the pudding container. He broke eye contact with the delectable treat, “Well, anyway… what were we talking about? Oh, right,” He straightened his glasses on the bridge of his nose, “While some Muggles do enjoy having food sex, it’s extremely uncommon. It’s like about as uncommon as _animagus_ sex here, you know - some people enjoy it, but most think it’s kind of strange.”  
  
Harry turned around, catching the pudding cup in his line of sight. It glistened beautifully, the flame of the fireplace reflected in its plastic shell. Harry bit his lip and once again turned away.  
  
“How would it work anyway?”  
  
Harry closed his eyes for a moment, letting his fantasies run wild against the inside of his eyelids. He took a deep breath and looked at Draco. “Well, for example, you see that pudding cup over there?” His heart began to race as he walked over to the chocolate pudding and picked it up. He took out the spoon and licked it clean, letting out the quietest moan. The moan was like the volume a mouse would moan at if they were capable of making a human-like moan, so Draco didn’t really notice it.  
  
He walked back over to Draco, pudding in hand and said, “With this, you’d probably start with the pudding skin.” He peeled off the pudding skin and rubbed it along Draco’s phat, juicy, pouty lips.  
  
Draco eyes widened surprised. “What are you doing?” he asked, as his eyes began to close sensually.  
  
“Shhhhh,” Harry said as he pushed his pudding-coated finger against Draco’s lip. Draco parted his lips around the finger, taking Harry down to the knuckle. When he pulled away, the pudding was gone. Harry sucked air between his gritted teeth as he tried to keep himself together. “Yeah, just like that, that’s the kind of thing they might do.”  
  
“What else would they do?” Draco said, more cute than curious.  
  
“They might do something like this.” Harry unzipped his trousers and pulled down his pants. His dick stiffly flopped out, slapping him in the lower abdomen. His dick throbbed longingly as he sunk his tip into the pudding cup, resting it atop his cock like a helmet. Pudding ran down the sides of his thick shaft as pleasure pulsed through his eight-inch member.  
  
Draco wasted no time, gently grasping him at the base as Harry laid back on the beautiful couch cushion cover Molly Weasley had lovingly knitted for him three years ago.  
  
***  
  
“Please don’t mess up those cushions I worked so hard on!” Molly Weasley thought, sensing her detailed knitting was in danger. Molly sat nervously on her ottoman.  
  
“Is everything okay, honey?” Arthur yelled from the next room.  
  
Meanwhile, Draco led Harry by the dick to the bed, kindly aware of the beautiful pillow case.  
  
Molly’s knitting senses stopped tingling as they moved away, and she quickly went back to cooking and giving Arthur a hand job using magic as he sat in the next room using a spell she learned from an old wizard named John Locke. He called the spell “The Invisible Hand.”  
  
“Everything is fine!”  
  
***  
  
The pudding squished between Draco’s fingers as he ran his hand up Harry’s engorged cock. Draco pulled the cup off the tip of Harry’s dongus and squeezed a little bit of pre cum into it. He licked the inside of the pudding cup clean and began to bring his head down to Harry’s huge dick. He began by slowly licking the chocolate off the tip. Harry winced with pleasure.  
  
“Do you want me to lick it clean?” Draco asked, looking up at Harry.  
  
Harry nodded, overcome with bliss. Draco wrapped his thicc lips around Harry’s wide cock tip and sucked it clean.  
  
“Is that clean enough?” Draco asked.  
  
“Not quite,” Harry replied.  
  
Then, like one of the wide-mouth sucky sharks in the _Zoobooks_ commercials, Draco took him all the way down to his asymmetrical, hairy balls. When he came up, there was no more pudding.  
  
Draco wiped the pudding mustache off his face, “So that’s how they do it?” Draco said proudly.  
  
“That’s exactly how they do it.” With no more pudding to turn him on, Harry’s dick immediately flopped over flaccid.  
  
“Well, it looks like you were just in it for the pudding.” Draco grinned. “That’s alright, I have a cure for that.” Draco grabbed his wand off the nightstand, aimed it at Harry’s flappy windsock penis and said, “ _Boopity bippy, I know you’re a groaner, so harden his dick and give him a boner!_ ” Right away, Harry’s dick shot up. Somehow, even more erect than it was earlier.  
  
Draco pulled down his pants, and his member sproinged into action. A bit of his foreskin still covered the tip of his long cock. He stroked a couple times, pulling it back. “Now I’m pudding it in you! Bend over.”  
  
Harry obliged and aimed his arse towards Draco. Draco aimed his wand at Harry’s butthole and said, “ _Strawberries, raspberries, and all those good flavors, rainbows and gumdrops that’s what you mean to me, baby!_ ” And like magic, probably because it was, Harry was perfectly lubed up and ready to go. Draco went down and began to lick between his cheeks. “Mmmmm, the flavored lube worked.” He licked around Harry’s rim and then gently dipped his dingus into Harry’s warm crevasse.  
  
When he finally was down to the hilt, Harry moaned loudly with pleasure. As Draco pumped slowly and powerfully from behind, he reached around to stroke Harry’s cock. On all fours, Harry couldn’t hold it back any longer. He came all over the bed, tightening his sphincter around Draco’s smooth cock. The tightness made Draco cum, shooting load after load into Harry’s hole. Draco pulled out, aimed his wand at the mess and said, “ _I know this lube was flavored cherry plum, so please give me magic to clean up this cum_.” The cum disappeared, and they both fell back onto the bed, exhausted.  
  
“You know you don’t have to say the spells in their entirety every time?” Harry said between breaths.  
  
“I know,” Draco said, “I just like doing it, because it makes me feel commanding. By the way, how did you like going to Flavortown?”

  


_Screen fades to black “Oh Yeah” by Yello from “Ferris Bueller’s Day off” begins to play, and the credits roll_.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, hope you enjoyed this travesty! Leave a comment and let my boyfriend know what you think - he lives for the attention. If people find it fun, I might be able to drag a few more parody chapters out of him in the future. 
> 
> Quick citation: The line, “Strawberries, raspberries, and all those good flavors, rainbows and gumdrops that’s what you mean to me, baby" are lyrics from the song "Candy" by Cameo.
> 
> And yes, he really does tell me that I don't include enough detailed dick descriptions in my story. Chaotic bi culture right there.
> 
> Again, Happy Valentine's Day, and thanks for reading!
> 
> xoxo


End file.
